


I dream about you sometimes

by lizzzz



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 04:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzzz/pseuds/lizzzz
Summary: The moment you meet your soulmate you loose your immortality. Nothing can kill you before you do, except yourself.Seonghwa lived for over 700 years. His soulmate killed himself. He can’t help but wonder what it’s like to not be alone. Eventually he gets a chance to find out.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. The joke I became

Hourglass: 

Watch the sand fall and decrease in the glass

Just like you it fades away

As you sleep you look at peace

I don’t want to stay if I have to watch you decay

Today I have to leave but if you wait,

My love we’ll see the day

When I can wake up next to you

And not believe that it’s a dream

||  
  


“Seonghwa you should really leave now.” a distant voice said.

The male made an unwilling noise and stayed where he was, his head on the bar table.

Someone put a hand on his shoulder, “Seonghwa everyone else left already, you should go home, it’s late.” he smiled at him as the older finally opened his eyes to look up to him.

He grunted, “I don’t want to go. You know I don’t have to worry about time Mingi.” he said about to close his eyes again but the taller stopped him.

“Maybe you don’t need to but I have to close the bar soon and I’m afraid I can’t leave you here. Come on up I’ll give you a ride.” he tried and this time it seemed to work.

Seonghwa gave in and rose his head from the table, somehow managing to stand up with Mingis help.

“I can’t believe you.” he muttered to himself as he entered his car.

He rested his hammering head against the window and watched the raindrops run along the cold glass.

“I don’t understand why you would do this for me.” 

“Hwa, you’re my friend you know? Can’t I take care of you a bit?”

“But you know you’re just wasting your time on me. You’ve met your soulmate already, your time is running out and you know that. Go spent time with them, not with me. I’ll be here forever anyways.”

Mingi was Seonghwa’s only friend.

The only that hadn’t died yet.

Once you meet your soulmate you would loose your immortality and Mingi did. He knew he was going to see his friend die just like all the other people that ever meant something to him.

“You really are ridiculous. I do this because I want to. And time that I spent with you will never be wasted to me. Say how long has it been since you lost them? You’ve been 22 for a while now.”

However if you don’t meet your soulmate in time you stop aging the exact moment you need them the most, or the exact moment they die.

Even if everyone is practically immortal there is an exception. You can be killed by either your soulmate or yourself.

He sighed at the thought of his soulmate and closed his eyes for a split second.

“735 years and 358 days. Looking at how late it is probably 359 days.” 

A long silence occurred between the two of them and Seonghwa shifted his gaze to the running rain again.

It looked like they were racing against each other. Sometimes two raindrops merged into one and got much faster but sometimes when they collided they would just flow right down together, completely losing track.

Mingi stopped the car right in front of Seonghwa’s apartment complex.

As the other already reached for the door handle he said, “You must miss them a lot, I’m really sorry for what happened.”

He turned his face again to face Mingi who  looked genuinely sad for him. 

“Don’t be silly Mingi, I can’t miss someone I’ve never met.” he gave him a light smile, "and I'm sure they had their reasons so I don't blame them. Please don't feel sorry for me it would just be a-"

"Waste of time." the male finished his sentence, "I know, that's what you always say."

While the other faced the ground Seongwha made his way out of the car. He was about to close the door and leave to his apartment but crouched down again and looked at his friend.

"Hey Mingi," he called his name softly.

"Hm?"

"I may not be able to understand why you're allowing me to be a part of your life but I really want to see you up until the very end of it. Even though I'd like it better to see that at all."

With these words he shut the doors and made his way up the stairs to his apartment 

Entering his apartment felt like entering a cage he had been trying to break out for the past 600 years.

He hung up his jacket and leaned his head against the plain white wall that hadn’t been painted in all the years he lived there.

“You’re a joke Park Seonghwa.” he muttered to himself, “You’ve had enough time, you should be rich by now.”

Ever since his immortality was settled he tried to make the best out of the time he was gifted with.

But he soon had to realize that it wasn’t a gift when he saw his younger sister die in front of him.  To this day he could still hear her voice.

He desperately wanted to make a difference in the world. He tried everything. But whenever he helped someone it would just result in him getting forgotten again.

Everything he could do was meaningless in the end. 

Seonghwa may had been immortal but he never was a superhero.

At first he made many friends, fell in love, socialized. But the more funerals he visited and the more lovers he lost to their soulmates the more he started to get afraid of everyone getting close to him.

He even stopped hooking up with strangers because he felt guilty for taking their time they could’ve spent finding their soulmate.

Seonghwa lost his chance and he didn’t want to ruin the chance of other people.

Just like that he was alone.

The only thing left for him was himself.

And he decided that ruining his own life a bit wouldn’t hurt.

Even though he let himself go Mingi hadn't let go of him yet. He kept him from the edge. Seongwha wished he could express how much the other meant to him.

With a lot of luck he managed to walk all the way to his bed and immediately fell on it once he arrived.

Quickly removing his clothes he tugged himself into bed and stared at the ceiling that seemed to get a little closer every passing day.

The alarm clock showed 5:34am. Another day, another additional hour of sleep he lost.

"Get your shit together dumbass, your soulmate would hate to see you like this."


	2. Everything I ever wanted to be and nothing I ever ended up being

His alarm rang at 7am and Seongwha managed to get out of bed 15 minutes later.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried to follow the same routine as everyday, brushing his teeth, fixing his hair, splashing cold water in his face and staring at his reflection in disbelief.

Everything about him screamed wasted potential. He tried to cover the bags under his eyes with concealer, and actually succeeded as they weren't visible anymore.

But he looked just as tired as before.

The raven made his way to the kitchen, fixing himself some breakfast, breakfast for Seongwha meant a single slice of plain toast and an espresso with two shots.

_ You can't even keep yourself alive so you have to rely on caffeine. What happened to you?  _

He thought that to himself every morning but he never did anything about it.

||

The moment he entered the bar he saw Mingi waving at him. Quickly he made his way to the bar and sat down at the counter in front of his friend

Before started a conversation he looked around, the place was stacked with people, couples everywhere, he couldn't find anyone on their own this evening.

"It's really full today." he said looking up to Mingi.

_ And it's barely 8pm on a working day. _

“It is! It hasn’t been this stacked since a while now! Even Wooyoung was here a few minutes ago with his partner, they told me to say hi to you.”

He forced himself to keep his smiling face at the mention of Wooyoung . 

About 5 years ago he was his boyfriend, Wooyoung used to be convinced the universe mixed something up and that Seonghwa had to be his soulmate.

That was until he met his soulmate. So he left Seonghwa broken-hearted and all alone again.

It hurt, but seeing Wooyoung smile at his now boyfriend made him realize he never smiled at him that way. 

He was happy now.

“I need to talk to them again sometime, they’re adorable.”

Mingi nodded in agreement. “Hey Hwa I’m really sorry but you see I’m kinda busy here. Today isn’t the greatest day to chat, no matter how much I wanna talk to you I’m still at work.” he gave Seonghwa an apologetic smile and placed his drink in front of him.

“No worries. Hey wait- what is this?”

“Just drink it, I promise it’sdelicious. Simple but good.” 

And most importantly without any alcohol. Mingi stopped mixing alcohol in Seonghwa’s drink a long time ago. 

Somehow he never noticed.

If he just knew how awful he was at actually handling alcohol.

A man sat down next to him, he looked incredibly tired just like him but in opposite to him Seonghwa still saw the sparks in his eyes.

And he envied what he had.

The other turned his head and scanned him up and down until he seemed to notice something.

“You’re here alone.” he stated.

“And? So are you am I right?”

“Yes of course, I guess you could say I just didn’t expect to see anyone on their own today:”

_What does he mean? I don’t even know what day of the week it is._

“Why did  you come here on your own then?”

“Easy, I don’t have anyone to bring.”

As the both of them watched each other for a few seconds they both tried to figure the same thing out.

“I’ll tell you about my life if you tell me about yours.”

“Deal.”

As the hours passed both of them exchanged a lot of their lives. 

The others name was Lee Minho and he was everything Seonghwa was insecure about.

Yes he was alone just like him.  
Yes he was 200 years younger than him.   
But he never wasted any second.   
He did what Seonghwa always wanted to do.

Lee Minho was a scientist, trying to help those who had trouble finding their soulmate.   
To be exact he was one of those.

“You’re kidding right? You haven’t met your soulmate in 426 years? All this time you just passed them by?” it made him chuckle, how could it be possible to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Man I wish I was kidding.” he said and downed another shot. “I don’t have enough money to search for them but I invented something a while ago. I just don’t know how safe it is.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box of pills.

“They are supposed to get you to wherever your soulmate is right now, the only problem is that I can’t proof that it works. I can’t be making any human experiments. For all I know this could kill people. And if I don’t wanna do something illegal I’ll have to take the risk myself. Unless...” he looked at Seonghwa, then at his hands again eyeing the pills.

Seonghwa immediately sat up straight.

“Say no more. I know what you’re thinking, I’ll take them.”

Minho shook his head.  “It was a stupid thought, don’t make me do something both of us will regret.”

“It’s at my own risk. In case something happens you’re not at fault. This could be a win-win situation for the both of us. Just having a slight chance of meeting my soulmate is enough for me.”

The man next to him let out a small laugh.  “So you’re really going to accept offers from a creepy old man you met 2 hours ago?”

“So what, I’m immortal anyway. The worst thing that could happen would be if I created some kind of morph holes in the universe.”

“You’re crazy. Since your soulmate is dead it could just transfer your soul to the afterlife. You could die.”

Seonghwa smirked,

“Go on. Kill me then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: I really hate this chapter as I feel like it’s only there for the plot but I hope you can enjoy it nonetheless.


	3. I‘m a mess and I can’t say goodbye

"And you’re really sure about this?” The doubts on Minho’s face were conspicuous.

“You should know that by now.”

Seonghwa was meeting up with him again a day later. He didn’t take the pill that night because Minho didn’t trust his body taking the pill good after drinking. Little did they know he didn’t have one drop of alcohol.

“Did you tell everyone important about this?” The last thing he wanted was the other to have regrets before potentially dying.

“Please, I know you’re trying to be responsible but I just want to get this over with.”

Seonghwa didn’t tell anyone. He hugged Mingi and told him a quick goodbye but he most likely didn’t think it could be their last time hugging and saying goodbye. He really tried telling him but as he was standing in front of him he couldn’t bear to tell him the truth. As much as Seonghwa was sure Mingi would’ve let him go to take the second chance he got, he didn’t want their last moment together to be a sad one.

It wasn’t exactly happy either but happiness was something Seonghwa hadn’t got a taste of since a while now.

Finally Minho sighed and handed him one of the pills out of the box despite his morals and everything in his head telling him not to.

“Park Seonghwa.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t fuck it up.”

“Lee Minho.”

“Hm?” 

“Go and find your soulmate already.”

It was tragic that they hadn’t met before when you saw the way they were grinning at each other now.

He swallowed the pill, then it all went black.

It was the moment he left the café when Hongjoong found himself staring at the street. He swore he just saw some one appear in the middle of the street and that guy wasn’t moving.

_Why isn’t he moving? He‘s going to get hit!_

He didn’t hold back for long and screamed at the stranger at the top of his lungs.

“WATCH OUT.”

The man finally fell out of his trance and got away from the traffic slowly approaching Hongjoong. He was clearly startled by what just happened.

With every step that the other came nearer Hongjoong felt more and more like he was having a fever. His heart beat incredibly fast and before he had a chance to think straight he felt the others arms wrapped around him.

He was engulfed in the hug and for some reason he didn’t mind. He needed the hug so he just let himself fall into it.

His mom used to talk about how it feels touching your soulmate. It supposedly felt different to everyone but she’d always say:“You just know.” 

And in this moment he felt like he understood.

Even though the stranger made sure Hongjoong was comfortable it didn’t look like he was going to let him go soon. It wasn’t so much of a hug really he felt more like the other was trying to shield him from something as if he needed to be protected from something.

When he hugged him back he noticed how bad the other was shaking. Being a lot smaller than him he rested his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was so fast he was scared his soulmate could faint in his arms. For some reason his heartbeat made him feel safe.

It felt like a lullaby singing him to sleep.

And they just stood there for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, neither of them cared about the world around them. After another 5 minutes dark clouds pulled up in the sky and both of them were drenched in the rain.

“So...when are you going to let me go?” Hongjoong quietly mumbled against his chest.

“I‘m afraid if I do you’re going to run through my fingers just like sand.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: I promise you it‘ll get better. I‘m posting old drafts of a story I’m currently continuing to write so the style of writing might change a bit throughout the chapters as it‘s been a long time.   
> The chapters will be around 800-1100 words I hope you don’t mind.  
> Thanks for reading <3


	4. This is awkward

"Do you drink coffee?"

"It's what I live off." Seonghwa smiled at him. After he finally let the stranger go he didn't dare to take his eyes off him.

Hongjoong just nodded and eyed the other up and down. While pouring him coffee he pointed out, "You're way too tall to be wearing my clothes."

He wasn't wrong besides getting some dry clothes Seonghwa enjoyed being able to keep the others company for a bit longer.

Even though he tried to shield the other the best he could both of them still got wet. Hongjoong suggested for them to go to his place to change.

“What do you mean?” He smirked “I think I look good.”

“Gosh where do you get all of that confidence from?” He rolled his eyes but Seonghwa caught him giggling once he turned around to hand him his coffee. He would lie if he said it didn’t smell dashing. Not only that it smelled delicious it tasted even better.

“Hey, um, how did you exactly make this coffee?”

Hongjoong was confused not knowing what he wanted. “I just used the coffee machine like everyone does. What do you mean? There are two shots espresso, a tiny bit of milk and maybe half a spoon of sugar.”

Seonghwa’s expression dropped, “No way.” Then he started smiling even brighter than before. “That’s exactly how I make my coffee! How comes it tastes so much better when you make it? Tell me your secret.”

“Shut up. You’re lying. You can’t seriously be drinking it the same way as I am, how is that even possible?” Hongjoong was oblivious.

“Believe me I have no reason to be lying to you, when I make me coffee it tastes bland every morning. But this,...” he raised the black and red chess patterned mug “... this is so good I could marryyou right here and now.”

The other didn’t make eye contact with him after saying that, “I’m a stranger, shouldn’t you inform yourself about me before marrying me?”

“Let’s get to know eachother then.” Seonghwa leaned against the kitchen counter, fixing his hair, trying to catch his attention once again.

He just wished he could call Mingi right now.

There was so much he wanted to talk about. He had so much to ask Wooyoung and Minho too. Back when Mingi met his soulmate Seonghwa was by his side, now that he was alone without Mingi he felt a bit lonely. Not properly having said goodbye to him felt awful now.

“I’m busy right now but I guess I could give you my phone number. Just don’t do anything weird with it okay?”

“Pfff who do you think I am?” Seonghwa pretended to be offended.

“How could I know? You’re a stranger aren’t you?” Hongjoong smirked lightly and handed him his phone “Just add your contact details okay?”

The other had left hours ago and Hongjoong stopped pretending that he wasn’t dying to know the others name. He finally got over himself and took his phone to look at his contacts.

“Park Seong-hwa.”

_ As if it was made for him. _

Just as he was about to text him he noticed that the other already sent a message to him from his phone.

** I can’t risk you forgetting to text me and not giving me a chance. Sorry. - Hwa **

_He really thinks I‘m going to ghost him_

Hongjoong smiled at how careful the other was.

Change Park 'Seonghwa’ to ‘Hwa’?

**Yes** | No 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Why am i doing this to myself god I hate myself aHHHHHH  
> Thanks for reading this for whatever reason tho <3


	5. Voice

_Where am I?_

It’s been awhile since he’d seen the city like this. He had no clue where to go and how to be home at the end of the day. The worst part about it was that everything around him looked incredibly familiar, and that meant he had an incredibly high chance of meeting Hongjoong in the past. But somehow he messed up.

_You’re such a fucking idiot._

He was lost to say the least. It felt like he forgot everything he ever knew. Nothing mattered now as much as it did three hours ago. For the first time in his life he felt like he was running out of time.

“SEONGHWA! Here you are! I thought you couldn’t hear me ring the bell but it turns out you weren’t even in your apartment. I couldn’t even find the spare key. Did you forget about me?”

That voice, he would recognize it everywhere.

“Siyeon, I’m so sorry. I have no words to describe how sorry I am.” Knowing he left his sister waiting for so long made his heart drop.

“You’re being dramatic. You know I’m not mad at you. Just pay for my meal now and we’re even.” She smiled brightly just like she always would. She smiled like that up until the very end. And when she lost her smile Seonghwa lost his too.

Seeing her smile again freed a lot of emotions bottled up in Seonghwa. He couldn’t simply describe it.

“Get whatever you want and then let’s go back to my apartment okay?” He admired her for always living her life to the fullest. Even if times were hard she’d always keep smiling, he wished he could put his admiration into words to tell her. Cause when she stopped smiling, Seonghwa lost his smile too.

“Oh you want to go back already? But I just got here?”

“Yeah I might have to tell you something.”

I’m curiosity she scanned his face to get a hint what could be so important. “Wait, did you?...you didn’t... or did you?”

“I did.”

“So I’m really the first person you’re telling about this?” Siyeon asked in excitement “Ahhhhh yes it was about time my big brother starts growing.”

Seonghwa stared at her in awe, it surprised him how excited he was about Hongjoong.

“I was kept waiting for quite a long time.” He chuckled and smiled at his sister “Now don’t hold back I know you have a million questions.”

“Aww you know me. How did you meet?” She scooted closer and observed his eyes, not wanting to miss a single detail.

Thinking back to their first encounter made him laugh. “I wasn’t paying attention on the road and he screamed at me to watch out. Romantic isn’t it?”

“You were daydreaming in the middle of the street?! You can’t do that anymore! You’re not immortal anymore!” She didn’t seem to care about his soulmate anymore. 

_Right. No going back now._

“Promise me that you’ll be careful.”

“I promise~ I’ll be okay.”

“I believe you for now but don’t you dare die on me.” His sister was finally satisfied and a small smile made it’s way back on her face.

This time he wasn’t going to loose her. It seemed like he was cursed to loose all the people with the prettiest smiles. He lost Hongjoong. He lost his sister. He lost Wooyoung. He lost Mingi. And he wasn’t willing to loose anyone again.

“Right I almost forgot, you must be hungry. I’ll cook something.”

His sister bursted out laughing “You’re a horrible cook do you think we’ll be able to eat that?”

“You just wait.” 

After about 45 minutes Seonghwa successfully made some fish sticks for his sister. She slowly took the first bite and her eyes immediately lit up. “These are actually delicious! When did you learn this? Are you really the Seonghwa I know?” 

_Well thanks for asking I learned it a 100 years in a future while working in a kindergarten because the kids wouldn’t eat anything else._

“I taught myself to cook a bit these days.” That wasn’t a lie, over the years his cooking abilities did improve. But fish sticks grew to be his specialty. The cheers from the children whenever he made them would make it all worth it.

**Notification**

‘ **Soulmate’ sent you a message**

**Soulmate:**

**Your name is beautiful.**

**Is that how flirting works?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: the chapter will not only get better (hopefully) they’re also going to get longer. I hope no one has a problem with these lengths but if you happen to like it better another way I’ll try to improve on formatting my chapters.  
> Thanks for reading <3


	6. Talk to me

Texting people could be boring but talking to Seonghwa excited him for some reason.

**Seonghwa:**

**Oh my thank you**

**I just noticed you never told me yours**

**So if you don’t mind...**

**Soulmate**

**Kim Hongjoong**

**Why would I mind? I want to know you after all**

Seonghwa was glad he was alone in his apartment, if he wasn’t the teenage-girl-like sqeqk that just escaped his mouth would have been embarrassing.

**‘Hwa’ changed ‘Soulmate’ to ‘Hongjoong’**

**Hwa:**

**I definitely won’t stop you**

**Can I ask you something super random?**

**Hongjoong:**

**That’s more random than I expected**

**Probably mint chocolate chip ice cream**

**Seonghwa:**

**You’re a mint choco enthusiast?**

**Hongjoong:**

**I hate it actually**

**I guess I just feel like it represents me well**

**Seonghwa:**

**Oh**

**I like it**

He didn’t. Seonghwa hated mint chocolate just as much as Hongjoong but something told him that was the right answer. And if he had to eat it multiple times to prove it.

**Hongjoong:**

**How do people actually like that?**

_  
I don’t know, it tastes like toothpaste_

**Seonghwa:**

**Don’t question it, I just do**

**Hey can I drop off your clothes tomorrow?**

**And please make me a cup of coffee again that was delicious**

Hongjoong chuckled,

**Hongjoong:**

**Do you like me or my coffee?**

**Sure come over I just don’t have too much time**

**Hwa:**

**I like both very much thank you.**

||

“Your clothes aren’t fully dried yet I’m sorry. I didn’t expect you to be here this soon.”

“No worries, I’m here to see you not to get my clothes after all.”

Hongjoong shifted his gaze to the floor and nervously scratched the back of his head.

Shouldn’t have said that.

“Right...you wanted a coffee? Come on in I’ll make one.”

Hongjoong looked radiant. Seonghwa never thought he would put so much thought in what he was wearing, he looked gorgeous. But as he was observing his face he noticed how tired he was. He knew that look too well.

Knowing that something stressed him out made him wish he could take it all away from him. He wanted to give him a break. There was no way he got one in the last days, weeks even.

Forcing himself to smile a bit Hongjoong handed Seonghwa his cup of coffee.

“You really don’t need to do that.”

“What do you mean?” Hongjoong stammered, he didn’t quite know what he was about to day but he felt as if the other put him on the spot.

“Pretend that you’re fine, you’re clearly not. You seem tired.” Having said that Seonghwa immediately regretted it.

I shouldn’t be invading his personal space so much. I’ve only known him one day. It doesn’t matter that it feels like it’s been ages.

“I’ve just been busy preparing for my finals in two days. Nothing to worry about.”

He felt Seonghwa’s eyes softening upon him.

I guess telling your soulmate not to worry about you doesn’t exactly work.  To be more specific, telling Park Seonghwa not to worry about you didn’t work.

“I don’t know if it’s better to leave you alone or keep you company right now,” Seonghwa said “but I want to do whatever helps you the most.”

Despite his usual playful behavior he had a kind heart and Hongjoong loved that soft side of his. Just being cared about made his heart flutter.

“I guess you bother me right now but your company would be very appreciated once my finals are over.” He answered and lifted his head up from the ground looking into Seonghwa’s eyes. They looked beautiful, like dark melted caramel, but empty as ever.

The both of them were lonely, and they were aware of that. But right now it didn’t seem too bad.

The second he entered his apartment he wanted to leave again. It was crazy similar it was to his apartment back in the future. Hell, how could a bathroom look identical 700 years in the future? Even the way he decided to arrange his apartment seemed to have become a routine over time. He felt so boring. Future Seonghwa probably couldn't let go of the time Hongjoong was alive, living in it right now made him understand why.

Because missing his soulmate felt like cereal without milk, a puzzle with a missing final piece, thousands of beautiful colors without a canvas to paint on.

It was overwhelming for him to feel so much at once after not having felt anything for so long. All these years he lived for Hongjoong, never thinking he would actually meet him someday. Now that he did he felt like time was running faster than ever, as if there was countdown of a ticking bomb ready to explode and destroy everything.

 _Go to bed dumbass you're overthinking again_.

__________________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: I’ll stop posting drafts for tonight, I don’t really know when and if I’m gonna continue posting on this.  
> Thank you for reading <3


	7. One day at a time

The next mornings coffee tasted awful. Plain and bitter. Yet it still helped him to start the day.

Deciding to use his phone once he picked up the device and eyed it a couple seconds.

People these days would call it vintage, this should be in a museum, how cute.

He flipped the IPhone 11 in his hand when it suddenly made a sound.

**Jongho**

**How was your job interview yesterday?**

He had completely forgotten about the friends he had at that time of his life. Jongho used to be his best friend but sadly he didn't stay with him for long. He looked at his phone a few seconds to remember all the moments of his life that he had spent with him. Missing out on the chance to see him again would be tragedy.  
  


**Seonghwa**

**I think it went pretty well**

**wanna come to the store with me today?**

**Jongho**

**Sure I'll be there in a few minutes**

He wanted to buy some snacks for Hongjoong but his memory was so awful that he couldn't even remember how to use the outdated navigation apps. Without Jongho's help he'd never be able to find a nearby store, and he could maybe help him figure out who he was at that time.

After a good 10 minutes of being lost in his head someone rung the bell.

"I haven't seen you in a while, you look like shit." The other said with the biggest smile on his face.

"Don't talk like you're my age." He answered pretending to be offended but returning the smile soon after. "Also no need to remind me I looked into the mirror this morning. Thanks for accompanying me to the store."

"Since when do you agree when I say stuff like that? I want my confident diva back please. No problem I wanted to buy something for Siyeon anyways."

Seongwha froze on the spot, letting that sink in again.

_Right, that was happening._

Jongho sighed "Still not over the fact that I'm dating your sister?"

"And I will never be. If you're not going to be the best husband to ever exist you can leave."

He could feel Jongho rolling his eyes. "Don't worry I will sing her to sleep every night. Calm down, I'm pretty great you know?"

"No you're pretty bold to say that." When it came to his sister Seonghwa couldn't play around. If abandoning his best friend would help to protect her he'd do it no questions asked. But he knew he had no reason to worry, he saw it happening. His own eyes witnessed how sweet Jongho was with Siyeon.

"Just get your bike already man."

_What is a bike again?_

—

—

_WHAT AM I DOING? HOW DO YOU STEER THIS THING? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME._

They didn't even drive the first 300 meters and Seonghwa already had some major problems. It wasn't his fault that he didn't ride on of that things for hundreds of years.

For the forth time he lost control over the bike which caused the back hoop to drift away and Seonghwa's body to hit the ground.

"ARE YOU OKAY?" Jongho looked him from above looking super worried. He pulled him to his feet and carefully inspected his head and potentially injured body parts. "You only have a few scratches, I can barely see them, you're one lucky guy. Anyways I'm glad you're fine."

"Can we please walk the remaining way?" Seonghwa awkwardly asked. He was embarrassed to say the least but he wasn't in the mood to get hurt.

"I was planning on that, do you seriously think I'd let you ride a bike again after that?"

"No..." How comes he is so mature being 2 years younger than him? Seonghwa could hardly remember how they became friends in the first place but somehow the relationship they had had always been equal. Jongho never treated him with the respect people usually have for their elders and Seonghwa never babied him just because he was younger. In their friendship there was no hierarchy, they were just there for each other.

Knowing that he died 30 years before his sister did made him sad. A heart decease took him from everything he loved so much without him every deserving it. Whenever he thought of all the tears at the hospital his mind went numb, he wanted to scream at the world. Life wasn't fair.

He snapped out of his thoughts once Jongho started waving his hand before his eyes. "Hello?! Why did you want to the store again?" He questioned.

"My soulmate is studying for his finals and I want to buy snacks for him." Right after these words had left his mouth he realized:

1\. He never came out to Jongho in the past.

2\. He didn't have a clue what snacks Hongjoong liked.

"Him? That's funny, you insisted to be straight just a week ago. What's his name?" To his surprise the didn't flinch at all, he just started grinning like an idiot.

_believe me I gave up being straight a long time ago_

"Kim Hongjoong. I don't know maybe you've heard of him-"

Before he could finish Jongho started laughing hysterically, "Bro, everyone has heard of Kim Hongjoong that man is a genius. I tried to set you up to a date with him like 10 days ago and you declined because you're apparently 'not into men' like I would believe you and now he's your soulmate."

So you're telling me I could've met him in the past? And i didn't because I had to much of a stick up my ass to get out of the damn closet? "Just forget that I said that, it never happened."

Jongho finally stopped laughing and caught his breath. "Someone changed their mind quickly. You're lucky that we're both music majors and I'm friends with him. I'll help you get his favorite snacks." He suggested, still having problems to control himself and not break into laughter again.

Every morning he felt worse than the morning before and he hated that he got used to waking up and feeling like shit. It was alright, not like his life depended on his finals.

That was a lie. In a way his life very much depended on how well he did on his finals but it didn't make the impression he valued his life anyways at this point.

Not even getting out of bed to eat or take a shower Hongjoong grabbed his fully loaded laptop and continued what he fell asleep to yesterday, studying. His head felt like it was getting crashed by a hydraulic press. The last time he had something to drink was yesterday when he had a coffee with Seonghwa.

He didn't realize that not giving himself a break could be the most fatal mistake.

His window had been broken for the past two and a half weeks, today too the loose glass moved in the wind and repeatedly hit the window frame letting the freezing air enter his room. However he never cared, so why did he feel cold today?

While he was looking through his room his eyes caught the sweatshirt Seonghwa had left to dry. He stayed up even later to wash and iron it last night, wearing it now would be a waste of time and effort. Not only for him but also for Seonghwa who was about to come to and get it today.

Finding out that I can't return it again must be so disappointing. There's absolutely no reason for me to put it on.

That was when he grabbed the hoodie and pulled it over his head. He didn't know why he did it but when he put it on it felt like the best decision ever made. Warm, comfortable and maybe a few sizes too big, that's what he was wearing. It was nothing more than fabric but it made him feel safe.

It was that same piece of fabric that made him panic just 47 minutes later. The familiar strident sound of the doorbell made him jump out of bed immediately.

He tore his closet open, desperately searching for a similar looking black hoodie. After finding a sweatshirt that was way smaller but looked black once folded he put it onto the table and ran to get the door as soon as he could.

He opened the door, still leaning onto the frame and looking at the ground catching his breath due to the small sprint. It shouldn't have exhausted him that much.

Slowly normally breathing again he looked up the other who was still waiting at the doorstep, smiling and patiently waiting to go inside.

"I'm sorry." He said and stepped aside, giving free the way into his apartment. "Your sweater is on the counter."

_Yeah right_

Seonghwa did not believe a word he was saying. He knew his sweater when he saw it and Hongjoong was wearing it. Sure it was just a black sweater but there was no way Hongjoong intentionally bought something in the wrong size. But he looked adorable so he didn't say anything.

"I will go back to studying now. You know, finals and stuff." Hongjoong said into the silence and made Seonghwa remember why he came to his apartment in the first place.

"I got some snacks for you! If you don't want them you don't need to accept them but I'm sure you could need some snacks for studying right?" Seonghwa softly grabbed his shoulder as the other was about to disappear into his room again. Feeling the material between his fingers he was even more sure. Hongjoong was wearing his hoodie. Soon he abruptly let go of him. He felt like a creep saying that, it must seem like he was obsessed with him.

But Hongjoong didn't think so, he felt so cared for, appreciated everything the other did. The generosity of the other took him aback. He wanted to hug the hell out of the taller but chose to resist that urge. Not wanting to invent his personal space he carefully took the bag out of his hands and peaked inside.

"These are all my favorite snacks... how did you know?"

_I asked Jongho_

"I guess I just had a feeling." Seonghwa smiled at him.

"I didn't know these kinds of things are included in the soulmate bond, I don't know how to ever repay you."

"Easy. Just eat them."

—

—

Hongjoong had returned to his room leaving Seonghwa alone in the kitchen. He was aware he should have left by now but a thought kept crossing his mind.

Only eating the snacks can't be healthy.

And who has time to cook while preparing for their finals?

Seonghwa wasn't much of a cook but there was one thing he could make for sure.

He went to the store, bought ingredients, prepared the only meal he learned to make but when he opened the door to what he expected to be the others room he found him sleeping.

"He must've fallen asleep while studying, I shouldn't wake him up, he probably needs the sleep." He thought to himself and admired all of his beautiful facial features from afar. The long winged lashes, the sculpted smooth lips and the small tint of red he always had on his cheeks.

He wanted to brush away the strains of hair that kept falling onto his eyes but he remembered Jongho mentioning that he wasn't that comfortable with physical contact so he held his distance. Maybe someday he'd be able to do that. For now he left him a message and finally left the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: I didn’t expect anyone to read this, ever and the fact that even some people left Kudos is a bit overwhelming for me.  
> Thank you so much. I felt bad about leaving the story open ended but I can’t post all of it at once so here’s one more chapter for you <3


	8. Lovable Idiot

Maybe he should be angry for Seonghwa not leaving his apartment once he came back to studying but he would be lying if he said those fish sticks weren't the best food he ate in a while.

_Why didn't he wake me up earlier?_

Hongjoong had woken up in pure panic, thinking he was done for, but once he saw the note Seonghwa had left he allowed himself to catch his breath and try the food he had made for him. As if wasting another 20 minutes would make a difference.

When thinking about his finals he felt like throwing up. But it was supposed to happen anyway, it's not like he could change what's meant to be. He just didn't know how to thank Seonghwa.  
  


**Hongjoong**

**Your friend just made me dinner and idfk how to thank him**

**Jongho**

**Get creative or something genius**

**I knew he had a soft side**

—

** Notification: 'Jongho' saved you as 'Mommy Seonghwa' **

—

A ringing bell at 7:35pm was what got Park Seonghwa to stop thinking about useless stuff and stand up from his couch that he had be sitting on for the past two hours, just contemplating about life.

His knees felt week for some reason, like sitting for some time had put him through an incredible amount of exhaustion. He was tired at 7pm. His emotions seemed to have been put in a coma, no matter how bad he tried, he didn't feel anything today.

When he opened the door a woman about his age stood before his apartment, dressed up in a uniform and pizza carton in hand. She was wearing the usual customer smile, though she didn't seem like she was very happy to be there, her black hair tied up a few strains attached to her face covered in a slight layer of sweat.

"Park Seonghwa?" She asked, visibly still to catch her breath.

"I didn't order this." It felt wrong to be this rude to someone who looked this worn out but he couldn't get himself to be nice. His social batteries were empty.

"It's the right address, your name and already paid for. Take it please." She looked desperate, almost begging him to take the carton out of her hands. So that's what he did, he took the pizza and closed the door right in front of her.

_Poor girl, she has to deal with social rejects like me. I couldn't even smile at her._

He opened the box, ready to judge whatever someone had ordered. "A Pizza Magherita? Someone really went for the safe option." He snickered and said to nobody really. There was no one with him after all. Just him and his self pity.

He sat down again, taking a bite of the semi-good tasting pizza and drowning in his hellhole of a mind again. When he got comfortable, leaning back on the couch he noticed something near the door. A small piece of paper that probably had fallen off when he inspected the pizza. He stood up, bent down, and turned the note around reading what was written on it.

I can't cook.

Thank you.

~Hongjoong

Somehow the next few bites he took tasted better than before.

—

—

"I MADE IT." It was a day later and Hongjoong was screaming into the phone. "ALL OF MY EXAMS ARE OVER."

"You should be exhausted right now, where are you getting all the energy from?" Seonghwa laughed hearing how excited the other was.

"Huh?" Hongjoong let out a surprised noise after hearing Seonghwa's voice and immediately quieted down. "That call wasn't meant for you." He informed the other but being happy nonetheless. "I made it through my exams! I'm really tired right now but you better celebrate with me!"

"Right." Seonghwa laughed "Get some rest first."

"Are you free tomorrow?" Hongjoong asked, not wanting to give up yet.

"On Valentines? Definitely." He had a gut feeling where this was going.

"Do you mind if I keep you company?"

** Seonghwa sent a pin on google maps. **

"If you wanted to take me on a date you could've just asked." Even though he wasn't able to see him Hongjoong felt that he was smirking just now.

"Don't flatter yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: I hate this chapter but at least I’m posting. I will post all of my drafts today and continue posting in case I write something.


	9. Love is war

"Your apartment looks so... normal?" Hongjoong looked confused spectating Seonghwa's apartment.

"What did you expect? I know it's boring."

"No offense but you kinda look like a ninth grader going through their emo phase, I expected your apartment to look a bit edgier." Hongjoong smirked, and even though he was so much smaller than he still had a strong impact embarrassing him.

"Is that how you treat your date?" He was offended but still knew how right he was while pretending to be sarcastic. His past self was something else, the black bangs with attitude and eyeliner really had an effect.

"Don't flatter yourself, I'm keeping you company on Valentine's Day but I never said I'd be your date." He started grinning even wider, "And I never said I you look bad." Hongjoong never thought teasing Seonghwa could be so fun but Oh boy he was having the time of his life.

Seonghwa on the other hand wasn't quite having it, when getting teased something in his ego was aching and he didn't know how to act. Admittedly teasing wasn't the only thing he was good at, it never crossed his mind that he'd be the one being flustered today. More mumbling to himself he said. "You're the one who's all dressed up for a date." But he knew too well that Hongjoong never dressed up, he always looked as fashionable.

"Now that we discussed that, what did you plan for our friendly encounter today?" Hongjoong didn't ever seem to stop smiling.

"Since this isn't a date in any way I didn't bother preparing any snacks so we will be making ourselves some chocolate muffins. After that we can do whatever you'd please I don't have anything in mind." Seonghwa answered, trying to come off confident but he was anxious Hongjoong wouldn't like his suggestion, he didn't know what to do if he didn't.

"What are we waiting for then?" The smaller had already walked past him to the kitchen counter.

—

—

"DID YOU NEVER LEARN HOW TO CRACK AN EGG?"

"I'M SORRY CAN YOU NOT POUR ALL THE FLOUR NEXT TO THE BOWL." They were screaming, an awful lot, but the amount of fun they had was unmatchable.

"Oh I'm sorry I will clean up everything that missed the bowl." Seonghwa said grinning like devilishly, taking everything in his hand and blowing it right into Hongjoong's face. In disbelief the other stared at him, frozen and flour all over him, he looked like an angel. Before he could say anything Seonghwa had grabbed his phone and took a picture of him.

"Park Seonghwa you can't be serious right now." Hongjoong uttered, still in shock.

"Why? I think you look pretty like this." He came a bit closer to his face making direct eye contact with him.

"You're gonna regret this." Hongjoong slowly raised his head, staring up to him with eyes that looked like he was ready to kill him. Not hesitating a second he grabbed the flour and poured an incredible amount right onto his chest as he wasn't tall enough to reach over his head. Seonghwa didn't move, still processing what just happened. When he looked at the other having a vicious smile on his face he knew this wasn't a battle he would loose.

"Oh it's on." The both of them started throwing flour at each other, suddenly forgetting any morals or adult responsibilities they had. Suddenly Seongwha froze, a grin slowly building up on his face. Hongjoong knew the other had an idea, he could read that he was bound to loose this war. He tried to come up with a plan, any idea he could use to protect himself from the dilemma that was coming his way but before his head could could produce anything of the sort his body was attacked. Seongwha had dropped the flour and started to tickle him with no mercy.

"This- isn't fair." Hongjoong tried to bring out in between giggles and attempts to breathe.

The other, clearly satisfies with himself didn't want to stop. "All is fair in love and war. And you're about to go down."

Just a few minutes later the both of them were laying on the floor in a battlefield of flour, breathing heavily heads resting next to each other. Neither of them had stopped smiling ever since they locked eyes. Finally, Seonghwa broke the silence, still smiling like an idiot "I absolutely crushed you."

At this point Hongjoong had accepted having lost so he let Seonghwa have his moment. "I hate to admit it but you're right, but be prepared to loose cause I will strike again." Eyeing his shirt he sighed "I shouldn't have dressed up this much today."

Once the words left his mouth Seonghwa's smile only got even brighter "So you did dress up for today! This just keeps getting better." He stood up and reached out his hand to Hongjoong "I'll get you some clean clothes."

Without another word Hongjoong followed him to his closet. The other opened the doors and started digging for a fitting piece for him to wear, after a long time of searching he grabbed a feed sweatpants and handed them to Hongjoong. The second time he stuck his head into the closet he seemed to be more knowing of what he was searching for. His hands went straight to a black familiar fabric, pulling the hoodie out and and gave it to Hongjoong.

"This should fit you." He stated.

"Well this is awkward..." Hongjoong didn't want to look at him and took the hoodie out of his hands. He wondered when he had noticed that it wasn't his hoodie he gave back.

"I'm not mad. You just go change in the bathroom and I'll clean up the mess we made." Seonghwa assured and made his way to the kitchen, turning around again hallways to point at a door. "That's the bathroom just so you know."

Hongjoong couldn't understand that he'd willingly do all of the work alone, but when he entered the bathroom he got it. Everything was neat and clean, perfectly organized and overall shining.

_He must have a thing for cleaning._

Taking off his accessories was what he spent the most time on but when he had pulled them all off he got rid of his dirty clothes and put on the sweatpants. While changing into the sweater he noticed a refreshing elegant smell of perfume on it. His sweater that had taken on the smell of Seonghwa's cologne while lying in his closet made him feel dizzy for a second.

If this was how he smelled he was going to make him loose his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: the following chapters will all be around this length.


	10. Too much

"That's... so many." Seonghwa stated as the both of them were staring at the mountain of muffins in front them.

"Didn't we plan to split the recipe in half so each of us can have 6 of them?" Hongjoong asked in disbelief counting the muffins again. "How are we supposed to eat 24 muffins? I'm gonna die of a sugar crush."

"I guess we got a little..." Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong in his clothes, "...distracted."

The other noticed his gaze and started giggling at the memory of throwing flour at Seonghwa as if they were kids. Still, the baked goods weren't getting any less so they tried to think of someone who could be alone and welcoming on a day like this.

"Do you mind if I drop some off at my mom's apartment? I bet she'd be happy about it." Seonghwa hesitantly suggested, usually it would've been embarrassing for him to bring up his mother but he felt like Hongjoong understood the affection he had for her.

"I don't mind at all." Hongjoong gave him a small reassuring smile.

"That won't be enough right? Is there anyone else we could visit?."

"Yeosang?" Hongjoong thought out loud.

"Who's Yeosang?" Seongwha asked him being sure he had heard the name before. He remembered Wooyoung mentioning him being his best friend for years but one day he just disappeared, he couldn't recall why.

"A friend of mine, he lives across the city." Hongjoong answered.

"And you're so sure he won't be on a date or anything because?" Seonghwa asked. Distantly knowing Yeosang made him more curious about what could've had happened to him.

"He doesn't believe in all of that meant for each other stuff. Neither do I but it's like he avoids love whenever he gets the chance to do so."

—

—

The neon font was hurting his eyes when he stared at the bus number, trying to figure out if it was the right one but Hongjoong had already walked towards the bus.

"Every line here should drive through the city and that's what you want right?"

He wasn't wrong, he had no reason to overthink. Still, not being sure where they'd end at the end of the day didn't feel right.

"Sit down already." Hongjoong patted the seat next to him "And tell me when we need to get off." Seonghwa automatically sat down as if he wasn't clearly thinking, just doing whatever he was told.

"Do you have a ticket?" He asked.

"Clearly not but sometimes in life you gotta take a risk right?" Hongjoong flashed a cocky smile and looked out the window.

Seonghwa wasn't able to form an answer in disbelief someone like Hongjoong could be this reckless. While getting lost in his thoughts he almost missed the right stop. If it weren't for the other people that got off they would've driven past the street of his mom's salon. The both of them stumbled out of the bus, now being lost in the middle of the city.

Come on Seonghwa remember, you've been here all your life you should be able to tell where your mother lives. His eyes wandered around everything as he tried to find any clues for his mom's location. An old rusty sign caught his eye, the blue paint and yellow letters slowly flaking off. It was the Toysrus he used to spent his time at as a child, but eventually he grew up and Toysrus went bankrupt, but the empty shop still were on the same street as his mother's hairsalon.

He took a few confident steps in its direction, his eyes where looking for the blinking colorful sign that hung used to hang at the door. The closed sign didn't stop him from trying to open the very obviously locked door. When he rung the bell the voice who answered him always sounded robotic due to the cheap speakers. If he didn't know it was her he maybe wouldn't have recognized his own moms voice.

"Who is this?"

"It's me mom, I came to bring you something." Seonghwa nervously said, he didn't remember how he used to talk to his mom back in the days.

A bee-like buzzing signalised that he door had been unlocked and both Seonghwa and Hongjoong went inside the store.

"Look at you finally taking care of your old mother! Since when are you this responsible?" She hugged his son tightly and started ranting about how he never had the time to come visit her these days. "Not even a girlfriend that you brought with you, how many years do you plan on spending valentines alone?" She turned to Hongjoong and took his hands thanking him "At least he brought a handsome young man, tell me dear what's your name?"

Hongjoong tried to open his mouth but Seonghwa interrupted before he could answer. "He's Hongjoong, a friend of mine." Seonghwa gazed at him apologetic, really just wanting him to not say anything for once.

To his luck the smaller was too startled to talk back or even form a sentence. "Here mom have your cupcakes but sadly we're in a hurry! See you soon." Seonghwa hurriedly spoke into the silence while shoving the muffins into his mother's hands and pulling Hongjoong out of the door.

"What was that?" Hongjoong questioned, still taken aback by the conversation he just witnessed.

Seonghwa didn't look at him when he answered, instead he looked at his shoes rubbing over the grey streets. "What do you mean? I didn't say anything wrong, did I? You're Kim Hongjoong and you're my friend. Seems right to me." As he continued speaking his voice became more and more quiet.

"She doesn't know you're gay?" He tried to look at his face from below which wasn't hard due to their height difference.

"No...and I don't think she needs to find out."

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit a vulnerable spot."

Seonghwa decided to let it go and shook his head, today he didn't want his day to be ruined by thoughts and worries. "Don't be, we'll miss the bus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s slowly getting better. I mean I hope it is I don’t even know why I’m posting this.


	11. Kang Yeosang

The brakes made an ugly sound as the bus driver pulled up to a stop. Hongjoong swore he almost hit his head on the glass while trying to look out of the window.

Creaking, the doors of the bus opened and more and more people started to get inside, not leaving a seat free. At first Seonghwa felt glad that he and Hongjoong had gotten their seats early but then he saw an elderly woman in front of the bus. She still had her troubles getting inside while struggling to carry to bags of groceries with herself. Eventually she managed to make it inside but as she had been the slowest of all passengers there wasn't a seat left her.

Hongjoong who had noticed her troubles as well carefully pulled Seonghwa's sleeve to get his attention. "Stand up." He ordered.

Like a doll he immediately obeyed the others orders and did what he planned on doing anyways. He watched as Hongjoong got out of his seat, warmly signing the woman to take their place.

Now they were standing in the middle of the moving vehicle only holding on to an excuse of a metal pole. Seonghwa visibly struggled to keep his hand stable over Hongjoong's hand, slowly his arm started feeling heavy but he had no other choice. They weren't the only ones who relied on the pole to hold on to on their ride. "Why did you stand up too?" He asked the other under his breath, not wanting to disturb strangers.

"I'm not telling you to stand up just to stay seated myself. Besides the lady needed somewhere to put her bags." Hongjoong answered as if it was self evident.

A minute had passed but finally the bus started moving again, Seonghwa who was startled by the sudden movement lost his grip and stumbled a few steps into Hongjoong, fearing to crash the other under him. Hongjoong however had no problem pushing him off him with his left hand causing him to automatically step back a few steps, almost losing his balance again while Hongjoong just laughed at him. "You should work on your sense of balance." The older just quietly snorted.

What Hongjoong didn't expect was the abrupt stop of the bus just a few minutes after, sweeping him right of his feet. He would've fallen into a complete stranger if it wasn't for Seonghwa who reacted quickly and held him back, letting his arm support him instead. "Who needs to work on their sense of balance now?" Seonghwa said a little too loud, he knew damn well people in the bus could hear him but he didn't care, to be more exact, he looked like he enjoyed embarrassed the other in public. He was resentful and he loved getting his revenge no matter how small.

"Shut it will you?" Hongjoong however didn't dare to speak up as he basically whispered into Seonghwa's arm while covering his face and trying not to fall again. He was so embarrassed and Seonghwa silently celebrated his little victory, ultimately he shut his mouth, he didn't want to torture Hongjoong too much after all.

When the boy opened the door as both Soenghwa and Hongjoong stoop in front of his apartment Seonghwa's confidence dropped to the floor. Even though Kang Yeosang wasn't exactly his type he had to admit how beautiful he was.

Almost like he isn't real

But not only did he look unreal, he also looked familiar, he was more than sure they had met before... in the future.

The boy pulled Hongjoong into a hug and gave the way free for them to enter. He was eyeing the raven up, almost like he recognized him as well. "I know you." He stated.

He wasn't wrong after all but he couldn't remember what or who exactly Yeosang was, it felt like he forgot something incredibly important. "You do?" He answered in the same short tone as him.

"Yeah, in middle school I wore a Snow White dress and you asked me out, when I said no you called me a faggot." A mischievous smile appeared on his face. While Seonghwa stuttered, trying to bring out some kind of excuse or reasoning but it was too late to save him from the situation he was in. Hongjoong behind him was already dying of laughter, he didn't even try to hold back a tiny bit. "Glad to see you're one of them now." Yeosang added, eyeing him up and down and then gazed to Hongjoong again.

Seonghwa who was still at a loss of words also looked at Hongjoong hoping for some kind of help but the other didn't stop laughing at him yet. Once he did all he said was "We just entered the room and you already exposed him, I didn't expect anything less."

"Well thank you." Yeosang smiled as if it was a compliment to him "I'll go get something to drink until he starts to speak again." He pointed at Seonghwa.

Yeosang leaving to the kitchen caused Seonghwa to relax again. He was scared he could he hear what he was saying so he whispered "I feel like he's so much more powerful than I am."

Hongjoong just laughed at him "Yeosang is really sweet. Are you scared of someone younger than you?"

Hearing that immediately caused Seonghwa to get defensive. "Who says I'm scared? And you don't know if I'm older than him." Through all the years he got used to being a victim to constant mocking from his friends so whenever he heard someone jokingly insulting him he'd automatically start acting like he was 13 years old.

"You look old." Hongjoong knew too well that he'd leave him speechless, he was right after all Seonghwa did look quite mature. "But I guess we really haven't exchanged out ages. So tell me, how old are you Park Seonghwa?"

He was about to get defensive again but when Hongjoong said his full name he forgot about all of that. His heartbeat increased and his mind went blank for a split second. The other didn't even do much but him saying his name had a huge effect on him. Maybe it wasn't the fact that he was saying his name but the way he said it, slow and mocking with a light smirk on his face while looking straight into his eyes. Seonghwa didn't care about a good comeback anymore, he wouldn't have been able to concentrate enough to get up with one anyway. "21."

"I knew it, I'm always right." Hongjoong commented, satisfied with himself. " You're a year older than I am, which automatically makes you older than Yeosang too since he's my age."

Seonghwa scratched his head in embarrassment, Hongjoong made being 21 sound like being a grandfather. "You got me there."

"You're old." Hongjoong repeated and got closer to him, teasingly smiling at the other, not breaking eye contact.

"Respect your elders." This time he wasn't gonna break at the sight of Hongjoong and boldly returned the intense stare.

"Stop flirting and take your glass." Yeosang said watching them from the doorframe.

—

—

They were all seated in Yeosang's living room, Seonghwa on the black armchair and Yeosang and Hongjoong next to each other on the maroon couch. Apart of Hongjoong all of them were slightly anxious.

"And you are again?" Yeosang asked looking in direction of Seonghwa.

That was when he realized that being recognized for calling him a slur in middle school might not have been the best first impression. "Park Seonghwa." His hand was about to go forward for a second to shake the others but he was very aware that that wouldn't have been a great second impression to him either. He didn't want to come over as uptight or tense either but it was better than being an asshole. 

"So you're Hongjoong's date for today?" To this Seonghwa wanted to nod when he was interrupted by Hongjoong.

"He wishes, I'm just kind enough to keep him company today." Hongjoong answered instead of him, a wide grin on his face as he watched Seonghwa's agreeing face change to an offended and disappointed face. He was so aware of what he was doing and he liked the power he had on a human being.

Not only Hongjoong but Yeosang too seemed to notice Seonghwa's mood change. He couldn't help himself but to smile a bit at the behavior of his elders.

—

—

In the end of the day the both of them learned a lot, that Seonghwa sucked at playing Mario Cart, that Yeosangs giggles sounded like he was a cartoon character and most importantly that they needed to think their plans through. They had spent all evening talking to Yeosang and playing video games with him completely forgetting the time. So now they were standing at a bus stop at 00:31 waiting for a bus that wasn't going to arrive.

"The busses stopped driving for today, we don't have another option than walking home now." Hongjoong sighed looking up to Seonghwa who's eyes were focused on the poorly lit street, the rain reflecting the light of the lantern made it look like it was sparkling.

"I can't walk home now, my apartment is on the other side of the city and it's all dark here. I'd rather wait until next morning than walking home right now." He didn't make the effort to lift his head, he was confident he wouldn't be getting home soon. And he surely wasn't wrong.

"You're coming with me, get up it's not far to my apartment I won't repeat this offer."

Even in the dark of the night you could tell how Seonghwa's eyes lit up when he heard these words coming out of Hongjoong's mouth. And Hongjoong noticed too, he felt like making the older happy might just be the one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, though it wasn't the most beautiful one.

Their walk through the streets was calm and silent, but it wasn't uncomfortable, in fact it was more like a healing silence.

"It pretty dark out here, maybe you should hold my hand." Seonghwa suggested not being able to stop smiling. And his laugh was addictive. "Fuck off." Hongjoong was smiling too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: why am I posting at this point god I hate myself


	12. Your hands are cold

"Luckily I won't have worry about not having any clothes to sleep in." Seonghwa commented by the time they had arrived at his apartment.

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." Seonghwa pointed at the black hoodie that was messily hanging over the chair in front of Hongjoong's desk and then looked straight at his sweatpants that were loosely hanging over his hips "...these are still mine if I remember correctly."

Hongjoong who didn't know how to respond just rubbed his neck in embarrassment. "How comes a fashionista like you has so much interest in my plain clothes?" He continued to tease him furthermore.

"I'll make you sleep on the floor if you don't stop." Hongjoong managed to, though his mind was still trying to process a good reason for him to not only steal his stuff from time to time but also keep it. If he had the chance he would be keeping that hoodie for every day he'd not be going out.

"You're letting me sleep on the bed with you?" He asked, not wanting to stop teasing him in a million years. Seonghwa loved his flustered face too much, especially when he knew it was him who made him that flustered. Still, nothing could ever beat his smiling face. He loved the way his eyes would squint, making small wrinkles beneath his his eyes. When he smiled he exposed his canines that looked like cute little fangs, Seongwha adored them.

There it was again, the smile he would die for. "I'm getting the mattress but if you insist I can lay it next to the bed. Would that make you feel less lonely?"

Seonghwa wasn't finished flirting with the other just yet. "But I don't think I'll fall asleep if I can look at you all night, that's going to be a problem." All he wanted was to see that smile one more time.

"I'll get the lights then." Eventually they fell asleep, well Seonghwa did.

—

—

He despised the floor and every noise it dared to make while he did his best not to make noises at all, Seonghwa was making his way to the kitchen on his tiptoes in the middle of the night. As a kid he always used to get thirsty at night and developing the habit to stay at Mingi's to drink for hours didn't exactly make it better. it was a bad habit but he couldn't help it.

So there he was trying not to wake Hongjoong up while getting some water from the tab. And that was exactly when he saw him, Hongjoong sitting alone on the balcony, without anything to warm him, gazing up in the nightsky. Carefully he opened the door and joined him, scared to interrupt his inner monologue, just staring at him. The cup he filled before became irrelevant, he had left it inside without taking a single sip after spotting him

"What are you doing here?" He dared to break the silence and looked into Hongjoong's eyes, not being able overlook the sadness within them.

"I could ask you the same." He said with an unstable voice, due to the shivers that were constantly running over his body. His eyes looking straight into Seonghwa's, the worries were written all over them. But he couldn't focus for long, soon studying the rest of his face, taking in every small detail.

"I brought you a blanket." The raven broke the eye contact and slowly held out the blanket from the couch, looking at the wooden floor not wanting to see that look in his eyes again and hoping he'd take it.

The blanket just hung in the air for a moment and he was about to pull it back when Seonghwa felt an incredibly cold shaking hand grabbing onto it. As their fingers touched for a split second the both of them froze. No one dared to move or make a noise. You could almost hear their heartbeats in the quiet, both decreasing as the time went by and neither of them pulled their hands away.

Once Seonghwa drew back his hand they fell back into reality, Hongjoong took the blanket and threw it over. It didn't help much but at least he didn't feel like he was gonna die because of the cold anymore.

"Thank you, I was just thinking a bit."

"What are you thinking about at 3am on a balcony in the cold?"

"Have you ever imagined a perfect world? What would that look like? I think about it so much it prevents me from sleeping, I sometimes stay awake all night thinking about it. There's no such thing as universal perfection but what if there were? What if my idea of the earth came true? A society without discrimination against people because of their skin color, sexuality, looks, religion or sexuality. A world with the same chances for everyone, a world that treats all humans the same way. All of these unnecessary privileges and beauty standards, gone. Maybe we could actually start being nice to one another in a society like that. Whenever I think about it it makes me sad that I'm never going to be able to live in that world. But I even get sadder when I realize that even in a world that perfect I would still hate myself."

Hongjoong said, more to himself and the night sky than to Seonghwa.

Hongjoong was smiling, but Seonghwa felt a tear drip out of his eye.

How can he say all that with a smile on his face?

"Can I hug you?" He asked him, already slowly opening his arms for Hongjoong.

The male didn't wait for him, immediately wrapping his arms around Seonghwa. To his surprise the other pulled him even closer and buried his head in his shoulder. Once again he could hear the others heart beating against his chest and once again it made him feel safe.

"There, there..." he gently wiped the few tears off Seonghwa's face. "Maybe someday I will love something about myself, until then just stay to see it." Having said that Seonghwa's arm tightened even more around his back. He cried for him, Hongjoong who's tears had dried out.

"We should go back inside you're getting all cold." Hongjoong suggested still smiling at him. It was a soft, comforting smile and it somehow looked grateful. The both of them slowly stood up once Seonghwa managed to loosen his arms around him.

Back inside they walked to their sleeping places again "I will go back to sleep then." Seonghwa said laying down on the mattress beneath Hongjoong's bed. The smaller guy had layed down as well everything was dark, just the broken window allowing some moonlight to fall in the room.

It was dead silent, Seonghwa thought the other had fallen asleep already when Hongjoong held out his hand down to him. His head facing the other side of the room he whispered, "Can you hold my hand?"

This time the both of them fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Probably the last chapter I will post for today. After this it’ll take much longer for me to post. I pray for myself that I manage to finish this.  
> But thanks for reading <3


	13. Awkward Silence

“Hey.” Hongjoong’s smiling face leaning over him was the first thing Seonghwa saw when he woke up. “You can go to sleep again I just need you to know if you prefer strawberry or raspberry jam.”

Seonghwa squinted, trying to handle the rays of sunlight that fell into his eyes. The broken window let in cold wind early in the morning, causing Seonghwa to have goosebumps all over his body. He couldn’t help but wonder how Hongjoong never minded enough to get it fixed. But he had to admit, it had its charm, the minimal amounts of sunlight and interaction with the outer world would make him feel better about himself if he were Hongjoong. And Hongjoong felt the same way, even though the window surely didn’t let him sleep sometimes, it helped him waking up every morning, sometimes just to stand up and try to close it which had never worked, but he got out of bed. If a window could make him do that much he shouldn’t be complaining. He wouldn’t want to admit it but maybe a broken window did more for his mental health than he ever did himself

“Raspberry?” Seonghwa yawned and rubbed his eyes, still trying to ease himself into the change of light. Getting used enough to see something to the sun every morning was the worst part of the day to him. “Why are you asking?”

Hongjoongs fingers started intervening with each other, fiddling around, holding each other even. He was anxious, embarrassed, nervous and he couldn’t quite tell why that was the way he felt. Maybe it was the fact that Seonghwa now knew something about him he’d only tell people that he were incredibly in the span of a few days. Maybe he felt bad about making him sleep on an old uncomfortable mattress next to his bed when he could’ve taken the sofa. Maybe, just maybe it was important to him that he remembered their first sleepover as something positive, that he could smile whenever he reminisced about it. Just like how Seonghwa would make him smile, he wanted to give that smile back. Maybe.

“I can’t make a proper breakfast bu tI know how to make a sandwich.” The hair on the right side of his head stuck to his forehead, not allowing him to properly open his eye without getting strays of hair into it. The left side on the other hand was almost floating, sticking out in all directions, untamable. He slept the whole night facing Seonghwa and it showed.

“And you only have two different toppings? Very cute.” Seonghwa smirked and sat up, running his hands through his hair multiple times like in a shampoo ad, fixing it the best he could. Normally Hongjoong would’ve looked away, or more exactly he wouldn’t have stared the way he did. He had no idea why he suddenly was so awkward around him just after they started adapting to each other. In a way there was no one who ever got as close to him as he did.

But he shook off the thoughts tried to pay attention to the slices of bread laying on a plate in the middle of his kitchen. He stood up and began spreading the strawberry jam, wanting to look as professional as possible. (As far as that’s possible while making a sandwich.) “Stop complaining, i’ll make a coffee too since you seem to love those so much.”

“If it’s you who makes it them.” Hongjoong expected that to sound flirty but it didn’t. He felt like he was genuinely being appreciated for something so small as making coffee, he wished he could get used to the weird warm feeling in his chest. But the truth was he couldn’t, he couldn’t even get used to Seonghwa playing around and this was so much worse. Just a day ago all of that wasn’t a problem and now he didn’t how to handle himself. “Go and get changed already!” Hongjoong shouted from one room to the other.

To his luck Seonghwa stopped bothering him, or more accurately confusing him.

|| 

When two people get lost while staring into each other’s eyes how long do you think it lasts? A minute? Ten minutes? Longer than that? Isn’t it somewhat like falling asleep? When no one notices that you’re sleeping there’s no one to wake you up. Sleeping until the end of eternity sounds not to bad, does it? 

Watching the person on the other side of the table until someone snaps out of it didn’t sound bad to Hongjoong and Seonghwa either.They were absorbed in a conversation a moment ago when it suddenly went quiet. So quiet that you could hear the fly struggling to find a way out of Hongjoong’s kitchen without hitting glass. So quiet that you heard the broken window creak from a room away. So quiet that Seonghwa accidentally dropping the sandwich on his plate seemed like an incredibly loud noise.

Just like that they were pulled back into reality, and neither of them remembered what they were just talking about.

”This um- that’s a really good sandwich.” Seonghwa tried to save himself.

“That’s uh- cool, I made it myself.” 

_Dear god kill me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Is this moving too fast? I hope it isn’t but I can’t help but worry all the time.  
> Thanks for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> Author‘s note: first of all I want to apologize for any possible mistakes, english is not my first language. If you have any tips for me to make my work better please feel free to tell me, I’m always ready to learn. Thank you for reading <3


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